Liz Ray has Mad Throttle

Getting rear-ended and other misadventures...

If I Had a Million Dollars

BNL-if I had a millionIs Mad Throttle announcing that she won PowerBall? Sadly, no.  Is Mad Throttle soliciting donations?  No, but, I wouldn’t turn away your money or any in-kind contributions.  What I’m saying is that I rode out to the Mann on Saturday night to see the Canadian rock band: Barenaked Ladies.  And they were spectacular… 

No thunderstorms in the forecast for Saturday night.  So off I went on a carefree ride to the Mann Music Center to see these dudes pictured on the right:BNL-band pic

I have to admit, the parking experience went better than I anticipated, especially after what happened the last time that I rode out to the Mann:

They See Me Rollin’, They Hatin’

Picture me at a prior Mann concert, where nothing struck fear into the hearts of the Mann Music Center’s parking attendants like the sight of someone rolling up on a scooter. The attendants know how to direct cars; they know how to direct bicyclists.  A scooter, however?  The attendants reacted as though I rode in on:

This:  OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA                                                                                                                                                                         Or this: BNL-backhoe                                                                                             Or one of these: BNL-tank

 

Or maybe this: BNL-space shuttle                                                                                                Perhaps this: BNL-barbie corvette2

This too: BNL-aircraft carrier

 

Some thought my scooter resembled one of these: BNL-old ironsides

Or even that: BNL-camel

 

Much Ado About Nothing

After the parking attendant recovered from his shock (I really should bring a small brown paper bag for these folks to breath into) – he told me that I needed to park “over there” on the lawn next to the cars. Having practiced as an attorney, I tried to use my advocacy skills to explain that: (1) a scooter is not a car:

BNL-Scooter            BNL-Does Not Equal Sign              BNL-Not a Car

 

(2) that it is parked on a center or side stand:

BNL-this is a sidestand

(which would sink into the soft, yielding soil and flop over), and that (ergo) (3) I should simply be allowed to park in the obvious place: the splotch of pavement over near the bike racks by the entrance:

BNL-this is pavement

 

This logical argument was met with terror, confusion, and dread. Beads of sweat appeared on the attendant’s forehead.  His pupils dilated.  His pulse quickened.  I watched as his sympathetic nervous system went berserk.  The decision to Fight or to Flee thundered within.  Confronted with the decision of where to let me park, he writhed in existential agony, pausing to consider the potential meaninglessness of human existence and inevitability of philosophical despair.  Groping for salvation, he called over a supervisor.

The supervisor had the same reaction, then summoned a superior-supervisor.

The superior-supervisor also began to melt with fear. He stared into the abyss; the abyss stared back.  Cars piled up behind me, extending to Parkside Drive.  A road rage incident grew imminent.

Then, at the moment when all hope seemed lost, Someone With Actual Authority arrived.

Pausing to consider the gravity of the situation and weigh his options, Someone With Actual Authority surveyed the parking area, ponderously stroked his chin (which sported a beard that Zeus himself would envy), and then pointed me to the splotch of pavement over near the bike racks by the entrance.

All of this must have left quite an impression on the Mann staff, because when I arrived tonight, I was directed right over to the splotch.  (I guess PTSD has its upside.)

The Concert:

There is nothing as life-affirming as singing and dancing along to 90 minutes of BNL tunes with 2,000 of your closest friends.  The building nearly came down when the guys started singing “If I Had a Million Dollars.”  During the revelry, however, I paused to consider some of the lyrics.

Example #1: “If I had a million dollars, we wouldn’t have to walk to the store.  We’d take a limousine, ’cause it costs more.”  Wait a minute.  That store better be DollarMart or else that million dollars won’t last very long.  (The song does not advocate sound fiscal policy.)  Better lyric?  Easy: “If I had a million dollars, we wouldn’t have to walk to the store.  We’d ride a scooter there and invest more.”  Vastly superior.  (And I would be willing to license this lyric to BNL for a reasonable fee…)

Example #2: “If I had a million dollars, we wouldn’t have to eat Kraft dinner…”  Well, actually, in point of fact you probably would because you blew all the money taking limousines to the damn store.

Example #3: “If I had a million dollars, I’d buy your love.”  Whoa.  Wait a minute.  What kind of person do you take me for?  Mad Throttle is priceless.  And cannot be bought.

Despite these few, teenie issues, BNL has awesome songs.  If you aren’t familiar with them, Google some and listen.  If you have plans, cancel them, Google some BNL songs, and listen.  Who Needs Sleep was my unofficial fight song when I was a junior associate at the large law firm (especially when I was there until 2 or 3 a.m. working on a privilege log.  Good times.).  Alcohol is awesome simply due to the subject matter.  (Hint: The song is about alcohol.)  It was one of their encores tonight.  And it was what I drank as I sat outside, waiting for the performance to begin.

5 Comments

  1. You’re most welcome! Now, depending on how your election goes, I for one (Canadian) might consider letting you Yanks have Justin Trudeau as an emergency replacement for an unmentionable and undesirable head of state. I will gladly recommend that we take Barak Obama out of retirement to fill the resulting gap here.

    Warning though, the NRA might not be happy.

  2. That sounds like a fair and reasonable trade. Can we also keep the Barenaked Ladies? I don’t really want to send them back.

  3. Sure! Given their signature role with the Big Bang Theory, it just seems like a good fit anyway.

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